Nothing happens in vain
Nothing happens in vain. If you did something, it means that at that specific moment in your life, at that specific stage of your development, this action had a meaning. And if it seems to you that you could have acted differently, know that you could not. The best activity in developing yourself is becoming aware of your fears.
If you want to become truly alive, first just relax. And find this feeling inside yourself. Find a sense of you - aliveness, truth, and sensations.
Find that point in yourself where there are no fears or worries. Where there is only Stillness... When you find a point of stillness, peace and transparency - you will understand that this Stillness, that this Peace and this Transparency - is You. Always remember - your value depends on you, you get what you work on.
And you will no longer want to return to what you previously considered yourself - a tangle of experiences, fears and endless desires that force you to run and run somewhere all the time - away from yourself. Everything that we don’t like is all very wonderful, because it’s a good reason to work on it, and preferably on time.